Cloud 9

I'm back.

2011-06-01T20:44:00.003-06:00

I've been on facebook. I haven't been here in awhile. I finally got my disabiliy. So I am not able to work now. I go to the fitness center alot to workout because the med I am on causes weight gain. We thought I was diabetic for awhile. My test, a1c shows my blood level is 5.9. I guess that's good. I was dealing w/some real private stuff but it is getting better. I can say I was helped by the healing blood of Jesus Christ. Well get back to you later.

Bus

2008-03-26T14:38:00.002-06:00

Last Thursday, the day before Good Friday, I had an weird experience. I was driving bus and had dropped off all the children. I was making a left hand turn when the fire extinguisher fell off the bus wall and discharged. I finished making the turn. I could not see and parked the bus. I had to guess which button was the right gear and then I put on my air brakes.
The door to the bus was blocked by the trash can that fell at the same time. I couldn't see or breathe. I opened the side window and put my head out to breathe. You could not see anything in the bus. Talk about a panic attack. A lady at Taco John's asked me if I needed help. Probably because the bus looked like it was on fire. I asked her to open my back door because I wanted to get that vapor of dust or whatever it was out of the bus. I put my head back in the bus and still could not see. Finally, somehow I got the bus door opened and got out of the bus. I was covered in white dust. The bus was a mess. I am just glad the bus was empty of kids and that I made my turn w/out any accident. Another bus came up behind me and the driver seen all the smoke coming out the back of my bus and thought the bus was on fire. She got in my bus and grabbed the fire extinguisher and said where's the fire. I said there's no fire the f___ing extinguisher went off. So she stood there and laughed her ass off. I didn't think it was funny.
I would say this is one of the scarest things that happened in a long time.

Day of Transition

2008-03-26T14:31:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, Bill's dad, Jason died. We saw him Easter Sunday and following Monday. He was ok Easter morning but not so well the other times we visited him. He had cancer of the esophagus. They had been tube feeding him because he could not swallow nothing. That must be terrible not to eat or drink. I think not being not able to drink would be the worst.
Last night at 4:45 is when the VA nursing home called us. Jason died at 4:30. He his in a better place now. His wishes were to have him cremated.
So life goes on and we will miss him.

It's Freezing

2008-01-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

We have been having temps 20 to 40 degrees. But today is cold. Brr. The temp is 2 degrees. Yesterday it was about 10 degrees but the wind was blowing and it felt really freezing. My legs are cold now as I type. The room where the PC is has one wall heater and it is on the other side of the room.
I have to go out. Shit. Because I have to drive bus. Then I'll be complaining I'm hot. Because the diesel, once it warms up, gets really warm or should I say hot. I never wear my coat when I'm driving.
I'm working on another quilt. It is an angel theme. It is for my granddaughter Elizabeth. Then I will have Lucas, Austin, and Bruce left. After that I want to make a crazy quilt.
I told Bill if he didn't get this collection of electronics and junk out of the house by the end of summer I was going to get my own apartment. He said I shouldn't threaten him like that. I told him he can come over anytime, but he can't bring anything w/him. I don't want no clutter. It clutters my mind and makes it hard to think.

Politics

2008-01-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

It is so nice to go online on my laptop. Especially when I get lazy. I hope I don't run out of battery power before I write this. Bill is still working on the wire router, I'm on the wireless right now. I listening to serous radio. The far left of course. I like listening to Lynn Samuel's. But does she have a mouth on her. I also been watching the Republican and democrat debates in NH. I like Obama, but he doesn't have any experience. Edwards not to sure of. Hillary might be the one, but she is lagging behind Obama. I really don't like Hillary. If Obama wins the primary, I hope McCain wins the republican 'cause I will have to maybe vote with him.I shouldn't get ahead of myself, the primary isn't until February 5.
Here is a blog to go to. It is about a soldier who wrote a blog about his death. He had a friend post it in the event of his death. It is very interesting.
http://andrewolmsted.com/archives/2008/01/final_post.html

Another day

2008-01-05T13:42:00.000-07:00

I guess my last blog was kind of negative. I will have to work on that attitude this new year.
I just finished making a rag quilt. I was going to send it to my grandson, Austin, but it turned out smaller than I thought. I'm sending it to my grandson, Jacob, 'cause he is smaller. I'll make something different for Austin.
Bill is busy today wiring the house for a network to hook up a router so we can go online downstairs. We have a wireless one but it won't work downstairs.
I just installed Sudoku in my PC. Another addiction. I go from one to another.
Nothing else much going on, except trying to save money to go to my daughter's wedding in NY.

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

It's 2008. I hope this is better than the last 8 years. Living in this shit hole town doesn't help. Too many republicans. Bad place for a democrat.
I'm going to try to eat less. Bitch less. Give of myself more.
Try to write more here.
I forget all about it. Or I'm too lazy.
I'm going to my daughter's wedding in June. Need to save money. I need not to have an anxiety attack. Cause when I get them I don't want to go. I don't know how I ever made it too Texas to see my other daughter last may. I did have fun, through.

Who am I

2007-11-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder who you are. I don't mean physical image. Just who you are inside.
I don't recognize me sometimes. At times, I wonder where I went. The fun loving girl, now women. Is it age.
Sometimes I think it might be my psych meds. I feel they take away my feelings. Some how feel empty inside. A big dark, black void where my emotions were. They upped my meds again!
It is not a happy feeling. There are days where things seem a little better.
The days fly by and then they drag. Memories of recent past doesn't work well. I remember things from years ago, through.
I quess we just change from year to year.

I'm Back

2007-10-30T15:01:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile since I've been here. That dam depression again. Makes you not want to do anything.
Since I last wrote I have been substituting bus driving. Playing computer games.
I got an avatar at Second Life. It's hard to do. I don't understand it as much as IMVU.
Sent an invite to Dawn. She's smart, she will figure it out. Too bad she is not here to help me.
Everyone have a nice day.

2007-08-26T06:18:00.001-06:00

Here is your AstroSlamfor Sunday, August 26:

With your good looks fading, this is probably the perfect time to add some substance to your style. Find a hobby, go back to school, spend some of your free time at the library and feed your head.

The Dove Is Gone

2007-08-19T06:28:00.000-06:00

Thank God! The dove's cooing was driving me crazy. For almost the last two years I haven't been going in the great room. All he does his cooooooooooo! I found a friend who wanted him. When she calls me I can hear the dove cooing in the back ground, it makes me shudder. I pray to the Lord she does not give him back. She says she loves him and that he shuts up for a couple hours of the time. I said to myself "How but the rest of the time. I kept threatening to stick of dove's head in the exhaust pipe of my car. Now for you animal lovers its just a joke. I couldn't really kill an animal. Think it maybe.
I've got two cockitiels, I found a home for them next week. I do love them but I told my husband if he let me get rid of the dove, I'd get rid of them. He isn't holding me too it, but I think there will be more peace in the house. I love them but we need a break here. They are dirty too and I don't like to dust.
We also have two black labs and three cats, oh yeah, and the fish. I think we got to get rid of some of this petting zoo. We are keeping the cats and dogs and when the fish die, we are not going to get anymore.
I'm also trying to get rid of some of this clutter! One room at a time.

AstroSlam

2007-08-19T06:26:00.000-06:00

Dear Gail,Here is your AstroSlam for Sunday, August 19:
A simple favor will turn into a enormous fiasco when you forget to actually do it.
Going into hiding is probably the best course of action, but that can only last for so long before they hunt you down.

Another day

2007-08-17T15:29:00.000-06:00

This past week as been good, hectic, and sad. My birthday was last week and that was nice. One of the ladies that work at Day Treatment (DTX) made me a carrot cake. That is one of my favorite cakes. She made it as good as my Aunt Margarite did. Ym, yummy!
Last week on my birthday, one of my friends from DTX died. She died on my b-day! Another reason too hate my b-day. She will be missed by all of us. She had a massive heart attack and just died while laying down on the couch. She was 52 years old.
I got hired to drive as a substitute driver for the local schools here. I had to get an endorsement on my license because I haven't driven for a few years. I got a 95. I have too take a road test next week.
I did not get social security. So I will have to apply again.
I can't believe summer's almost over.
Everybody have a happy day.

AstroSlam

2007-07-29T15:40:00.000-06:00

Dear Gail,

Here is your AstroSlam for Sunday, July 29:
Today you'll accidentally be lured into an unreasonable addiction to a new television series that has been released on DVD. Over the next three weeks, you will lose countless productive hours to this addiction.

Everythings ok

2007-07-27T14:02:00.000-06:00

I haven't been writing for a long time. I been up and down w/my depression. Down alot, so I just stay in bed and don't go on the computer. Unless it's my laptop, playing games. When I'm on that downstairs I can only go on by telephone modem.
Too slow.
I applied for disablility from social security, 'cause I can't find a job.
I did want move to Texas, near my daughter Dawn. I don't know if that is going to work out.
I've been busy making quilts, when my head (mind) is above water.
It is hard sometimes to stay focused.

Times of Refreshing

2007-05-08T23:18:00.000-06:00

I love this prayer by Robert Cushman to William Bradford - in the book titled the "Mayflower."

" I pray you be not discouraged, but gather up yourself, go through these times of difficulties
cheerfully and with courage in that place where in God hath set you,
Until the day of refreshing come."

It is hard at times to not be discouraged and be cheerful. Also, at times hard to have courage.
Because we look at the situation with our human eyes or mind and not our spiritual eyes or mind.
Sometimes, it may be lack of faith and trust.
But I am waiting for my day of refreshing to come.

A Mad House in Texas

2007-05-05T17:09:00.000-06:00

Did you ever hear of "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"? Well, my daughter Dawn, has the "Madhouse of Texas". There is so much commotion, I don't know how Dawn can stand it. I'm here visiting her, I know first hand. I picked up the house for her and not even 30 minutes later it was a mess. I been here since Wednesday, May 2. I've seen Dawn pick it up and then it's a mess. I told her she shouldn't be cleaning up the kids mess, let them get off their asses and do it. That's why she's nuts. She can't get anytime to herself, let alone go on the computer.
I babysat for Bruce and Brandy last night. Bruce fell asleep right away and Brandy did nothing but scream and cry the whole time. Speak of being nuts, she drove me crazy. She had me crying, she wouldn't let up.
I glad I'm the grandma, not a mother of tots anymore. I get to go home. But right now I'm stuck here and have to wait for my hubby, Bill, next week. Not that I don't want to be here, but Grandma can't go home when she goes nuts!!

Our Thinking vs. God's Promise

2007-04-14T16:58:00.000-06:00

"It's impossible"
All things are possible (Lk. 18:27)

"I'm too tired"
I will give you rest (Mt. 11:28-30)

"Nobody really loves me"
I love you (Jn 3:16)

"I can't go on"
My grace is sufficient (II Cor. 12:19)

"I can't figure things out"
I will direct your steps (Prov. 20:24)

"I can't do it"
You can do all things (Phil 4:13)

"I'm not able"
I am able (II Cor. 9:8)

"It's not worth it"
It will be worth it (Rom. 8:28)

"I can't forgive myself"
I forgive you (I Jn 1:9 & Rom. 8:1)

"I can't manage"
I will supply all your needs (Phil. 4:19)

"I'm afraid"
I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Tim. 1:7)

"I'm always worried and frustrated"
Cast all your cares on Me (I Pet. 5:7)

"I don't have enough faith"
I've given everyone a measure of faith (Rom 12:8)

"I'm not smart enough"
I give you wisdom (I Cor. 1:30)

"I feel all alone"
I will never leave you or forsake you (Heb. 13:5)

(Submitted by Faith Sealock)

Color Psychology

2007-04-14T16:49:00.000-06:00

Color Psychology

Do different colors affect your mood?

by David Johnson

Black

Black is the color of authority and power. It is popular in fashion because it makes people appear thinner. It is also stylish and timeless. Black also implies submission. Priests wear black to signify submission to God. Some fashion experts say a woman wearing black implies submission to men. Black outfits can also be overpowering, or make the wearer seem aloof or evil. Villains, such as Dracula, often wear black.

White

Brides wear white to symbolize innocence and purity. White reflects light and is considered a summer color. White is popular in decorating and in fashion because it is light, neutral, and goes with everything. However, white shows dirt and is therefore more difficult to keep clean than other colors. Doctors and nurses wear white to imply sterility.

Red

The most emotionally intense color, red stimulates a faster heartbeat and breathing. It is also the color of love. Red clothing gets noticed and makes the wearer appear heavier. Since it is an extreme color, red clothing might not help people in negotiations or confrontations. Red cars are popular targets for thieves. In decorating, red is usually used as an accent. Decorators say that red furniture should be perfect since it will attract attention.

The most romantic color, pink, is more tranquilizing. Sports teams sometimes paint the locker rooms used by opposing teams bright pink so their opponents will lose energy.

Blue

The color of the sky and the ocean, blue is one of the most popular colors. It causes the opposite reaction as red. Peaceful, tranquil blue causes the body to produce calming chemicals, so it is often used in bedrooms. Blue can also be cold and depressing. Fashion consultants recommend wearing blue to job interviews because it symbolizes loyalty. People are more productive in blue rooms. Studies show weightlifters are able to handle heavier weights in blue gyms.

Green

Currently the most popular decorating color, green symbolizes nature. It is the easiest color on the eye and can improve vision. It is a calming, refreshing color. People waiting to appear on TV sit in "green rooms" to relax. Hospitals often use green because it relaxes patients. Brides in the Middle Ages wore green to symbolize fertility. Dark green is masculine, conservative, and implies wealth. However, seamstresses often refuse to use green thread on the eve of a fashion show for fear it will bring bad luck.

Yellow

Cheerful sunny yellow is an attention getter. While it is considered an optimistic color, people lose their tempers more often in yellow rooms, and babies will cry more. It is the most difficult color for the eye to take in, so it can be overpowering if overused. Yellow enhances concentration, hence its use for legal pads. It also speeds metabolism.

Purple

The color of royalty, purple connotes luxury, wealth, and sophistication. It is also feminine and romantic. However, because it is rare in nature, purple can appear artificial.

Brown

Solid, reliable brown is the color of earth and is abundant in nature. Light brown implies genuineness while dark brown is similar to wood or leather. Brown can also be sad and wistful. Men are more apt to say brown is one of their favorite colors.

Colors of the Flag

In the U.S. flag, white stands for purity and innocence. Red represents valor and hardiness, while blue signifies justice, perseverance, and vigilance. The stars represent the heavens and all the good that people strive for, while the stripes emulate the sun's rays.

Food for Thought

While blue is one of the most popular colors it is one of the least appetizing. Blue food is rare in nature. Food researchers say that when humans searched for food, they learned to avoid toxic or spoiled objects, which were often blue, black, or purple. When food dyed blue is served to study subjects, they lose appetite.

Green, brown, and red are the most popular food colors. Red is often used in restaurant decorating schemes because it is an appetite stimulant.

More from Color: Psychology, Symbolism, and Interesting Facts

I thought this reading test was cute.

2007-04-14T16:44:00.001-06:00

How to Detect Lies

2007-04-14T16:39:00.000-06:00

How to Detect Lies

Become a Lie Detector
--------------------------------

Introduction to Detecting Lies:

The following techniques to telling if someone is lying are often used by police, and security experts. This knowledge is also useful for managers, employers, and for anyone to use in everyday situations where telling the truth from a lie can help prevent you from being a victim of fraud/scams and other deceptions.

Warning: Sometimes Ignorance is bliss; after gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you.

Signs of Deception:

Body Language of Lies:

• Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body the liar takes up less space.

• A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact.

• Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.

Emotional Gestures & Contradiction

• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer it would naturally, then stops suddenly.

• Timing is off between emotions gestures/expressions and words. Example: Someone says "I love it!" when receiving a gift, and then smile after making that statement, rather then at the same time the statement is made.

• Gestures/expressions don’t match the verbal statement, such as frowning when saying “I love you.”

• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe, )instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.

Interactions and Reactions

• A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.

• A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.

• A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and you.

Verbal Context and Content

• A liar will use your words to make answer a question. When asked, “Did you eat the last cookie?” The liar answers, “No, I did not eat the last cookie.”

•A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful: “ I didn't do it” instead of “I did not do it”

• Liars sometimes avoid "lying" by not making direct statements. They imply answers instead of denying something directly.

• The guilty person may speak more than natural, adding unnecessary details to convince you... they are not comfortable with silence or pauses in the conversation.

• A liar may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous tone. When a truthful statement is made the pronoun is emphasized as much or more than the rest of the words in a statement.

• Words may be garbled and spoken softly, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other
words, his sentences will likely be muddled rather than emphasized.

Related Books:

Never be Lied to Again

Body Language

Other signs of a lie:

• If you believe someone is lying, then change subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed. The guilty wants the subject changed; an innocent person may be confused by the sudden change in topics and will want to back to the previous subject.

• Using humor or sarcasm to avoid a subject.

Final Notes:

Obviously, just because someone exhibits one or more of these signs does not make them a liar. The above behaviors should be compared to a persons base (normal) behavior whenever possible.

I've been busy or something

2007-04-02T17:26:00.000-06:00

I haven't been blogging lately. I've been busy, had a cold and tired. Maybe lazy, too.
I've been making another quilt. This one is for Dawn (Dreamscrape). It is a rail quilt. It looks nice. Lots of color. I like color. Then I have to make one for my son and his wife. Then I will make Tessa's her's. It's going to be a quirky quilt. Lot's of blues and purles. Fun design for a pre-teen.
I haven't been doing much else. I was doing latin dance exercise, then I caught that cold and that tripped me up.
Every one have a Happy Easter and a Blessed Resurrection Day.

The 'L I T T L E' things.

2007-03-01T16:27:00.002-07:00

As you might know, the head of a company survived
9/11 because his son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was
his turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her
alarm clock didn't go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident.

One of them
missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
time to change.

One's car wouldn't start.

One went back to answer the telephone.

One had a child that dawdled
and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.

One couldn't get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
took the various means to get to work,
but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
That is why he is alive today.

Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone...all the little things that annoy me.I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment. Next time your morning seems to be going wrong; the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated; God is at work watching over you.
May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose.
Pass this on to someone else, if you'd like. There is NO LUCK attached. If you delete this, it's okay: God's Love Is Not Dependent On E-Mail!!! (that's the cool part)

AMEN

Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

I got this in an email, I thought I would like to share it.

"A Trip Around The World"

2007-03-01T16:04:00.000-07:00

I finished my first quilt ever! What an accomplishment for me. I had tried years ago and none of my squares were not the same. This quilt is called "A Trip Around The World". I made it big enough to go over the sides of my king size bed. I go to mental health day treatment program and the workers there helped me make it. They showed me short cuts about lining up the squares by sewing long strips together and then turn it around and the the different color strips and cut them into squares.
Every one said I did a good job, I did most of the cutting and all the sewing. For a first time quilt they said I did good.
I've got one almost done to Brandy, my granddaughter, I'm cutting out one for my daughter, Dawn. Then I have to make one for Austin, Bruce and Tessa, Dawn's other children. Dawn if you read this, tell me some colors Austin likes. I don't want to make juvenile one for them, since they are growing up.
Then I have to make one for my son, Nate and his wife, Margaret. I have to pick a color scheme that matches their bedroom. The curtains are beige and walls are a olive color. For my granddaughter, Elizabeth, I have angels in mind. I don't know yet what to make their other children, Lucas and Jacob.
I want to make one for Laura. I'm waiting until it is time for her wedding. She likes browns and beige's. And then I was going to put a Celtic wedding ring circles on it. I will give it to them as their wedding present.
I'm going to make a kaleidoscope one for me from all the scraps I will have left.
I hope I can make them all and not get bored with it. I also want to make a star quilt, but I want that to be a Star of David stars. I think that will be cool.

Today, another day

2007-02-15T19:47:00.000-07:00

Today is my mom's b-day. My brother reminded me, but inside I did not want to know. Because she died 5 years ago. I really didn't get too depressed. I wished her a happy birthday. I told my brother, Dave that he could wish her one too and he did.
I haven't been blogging for awhile because every time I go to the computer that is online, my dove coos and drives me crazy. Tonight my friend Faye is here, so he is not too bad, neither is the cocketiels because there is company and they are nosey and showing off.

2007-01-20T17:04:00.001-07:00

Just for fun - Things you may not have known about me…..
Four jobs I have had in my life:
Cafeteria worker, Home Health Aide, School Bus Driver, and Trainer for
People w/developmental disabilities.
2. Four Movies I have watched over and over:
Overboard, Wizard of Oz, It’s A Wonderful Life, and Frequency.
3. Four places I have lived:
New York, California, Montana, New York
4. Four TV shows I love to watch:
Heroes, Medium, Jericho, and Ghost Whisperer
5. Four places I have been on vacation:
Disneyland(Ca), Black hills(SD), Adirondack Mountains(NY), Chicago (IL)
6. Four of my favorite foods:
Brownies, Pizza, Steak, Fried Potatoes
7. Four places I would rather be right now:
Texas, New York, California, and Vermont
8. Four people that will respond:
Dawn, Patty, Faye, and Aldis.

A letter I wrote to a friend, thought I share it.

2007-01-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

Since my mother died in 2002, I have been having a hard time, mentally. I know God can heal you, but he also gives the docs meds to help. There were many prophets depressed, including King David. No, they didn't have the meds, but they were so close to God. Probably more than I ever will be. I still love Jesus, but I don't go to church. The churches here lack life, just like the people who live here. The Indians wouldn't settle in this valley. They called it the Valley of Death. There is a lot of cancer here and children born w/deformities and mental retardation. Excuse me developmental disabilities, they don't like the word retard here, like it's not in the dictionary and that NY is backwards because they still use it. I work in the field and if you read the clients records it states that they are mentally retarded. I got in a big thing about this at work. I will explain that another time.
So we went to NY for my mother's funeral. We drove Bill's conversion van, so that we would have room to bring back my brother Dave. When we got there, they had Dave hid at some one's house and I did not see him until the funeral. Bud and Harold would not let him out of their sight. Too make a long story short, we came home to Montana without Dave. They wanted or needed to live off his SSI. A month later my Aunt Dorthy called and said Dave was at the house with no food or money because Bud and Harold were drinking up the money. That aunt just died about 8 months ago. So I talked to John and he said he would come out on the train with Dave.
Dave got here August '02. I was getting ready to go to my last year of college. I was working the night shift and going to college in Glendive, that is 50 miles away every day. I graduated in May 2003 with an Associates degree/arts and science/human services. Still work at the same job, getting the same pay. In this small town it is hard to get a job. Case management requires a bachelors degree.
Dawn was going to the college with me and sometimes she did it online. She graduated when I did. She got a business degree. Her father, Bruce died a couple of years ago of a heart attack.
Nate and Laura were going to college the same time. Nate got his bachelor's degree in computer networking and his working with the state of NY. He has a son Jacob, and a set of twins, Lucas and Elizabeth.Nate's wife's name is Margaret. By the way John's mom, Nate and Laura's grandmother died a year and a half ago. Laura is graduating this May. She is getting a Master's degree/speech pathology. Laura's boyfriend lives outside of Boston and she is moving in with him so she can do her internship somewhere around there. They have been dating since H.S. She is so glad that she is getting out of Ithaca college. I think it's been six years.
So all my children are doing good. Dawn is living in Texas and has 4 kids. Austin, Tessa, Bruce, and Brandy. Her husband's name is Chantz.
So anyways during all this that is going on I have been going through depression. Two years ago, I had Bill take me to Williston, ND to the Mental Services and got admitted for a few days. I felt like I was losing control. It turns out it was one of my meds-cymbalta. It was very hard to get off that antidepressants. It was one of the scariest times of my life.
I had blow up at work with one of my co-workers while I was on this drug before I got hospitalized. I had to take a 2 1/2 week leave of absence from work and put on 6 months probation. I was also hurt at the group home 2004 when I was getting something for a client under his bed, while I was bending, he opened handed hit me on my tailbone. To make a long story short I was put on lifting restrictions of not lifting more than 25 lbs. Workman's comp said I was 7% disabled. The executive director did not want me to be alone at the group home so she sent me up to the shop. That was when all my problems began. That is where I had my breakdown while I was on the cymbalta. Every body is so clickish here and a lot of two faced people and they were really bad at the shop.
My brother Dave goes to the workshop and does box runs and a couple of days a week he cleans office buildings with a job coach. He pays us rent. He always has some money on him and goes shopping or out to eat by himself. He is getting somewhat independent. Some of my problems at the workshop were because of Dave and how they did not follow his programs and let him do what he wants.
Well to shorten some of this last august on my birthday I was terminated because they said they could not accommodate my restrictions any more.i was off probation already for six months. I have worked there for the past 8 yrs and 5 yrs before I had moved back to NY and then we moved back here.
I had been out of work for 3 days with back pain and could barely walk. I went to the ER and they gave me an MRI. I called work after I had the MRI and told Tami, my supervisor that I would be in around 11 am. I was waiting for the Valium to wear off. I had to have it for the MRI machine, can't stand closed places and Bill had to go in there with me. Tami, said "I have to talk to Cindy(the ex. director) and I will call you back. So Cindy calls me and tells me " That this isn't going to work anymore. We can't accommodate your restrictions. She said you can get workman's comp or unemployment insurance. I was devastated. I love the guys I work with(clients) not staff.
The next day I went in there to get my things. I was wearing my sunglasses so the clients couldn't see I was crying. Just as I was leaving, Bill was with me, Edith, one of the clients, who remembers every one's birthday had all the clients sing happy birthday to me. I lost it and said real loud "I can't take this". I went outside and I was sobbing, a co-worker came out and was trying to calm me down.
Bill said that while I was crying that Cindy came outside and walked behind the buses to see if anybody was seeing me crying. Bill looked at her and said" Are you happy now".
I collected workman's comp from late August to December 4. They had me go to one of their doctors, who of course, said I was at maxium recovery and could go back to work with my restrictions.They stopped my checks. So I applied for unemployment insurance and did not get a check until January. I made more money on workman's comp than unemployment. I have been applying for jobs. Cindy said about my reference she wouldn't say anything except that I worked there. I told her that is a bad reference. All my co-workers said I was a good worker and in the last year had miss time because of medical problems and that I should not of been fired.
It is hard to find work when you have restrictions. I have never been so hurt or humiliated in my life.
I go to mental health day treatment now. I have to go to counseling at least once a month so that I can get my antidepressants paid for. I just pay a $12 co-pay. I go two to three days a week. I am making a "Around the World" quilt. One to the workers there is helping me and showing me all kinds of short cuts.
I am slowly coming out of my depression. It has been a hard couple of years. Especially the last six months. Also Bud died 2 years ago in a car accident. Harold's wife Nancy (Dingman) died of breast cancer January 2006. She was Bill Dingman's daughter. My brother Richard's girlfriend, Jill of many years died last week because of breast cancer that had travelled to her brain. I am proud of both my brothers because they stood by and took care of their wives through the whole thing with the help of hospice. They both said it was one of the most tragic things they had to go through.
So this is my long story.
(A lot of you know some of this already, it is a letter to Diane, a friend of mine from NY. I have know her since 1979.)

I'm still here

2007-01-16T20:20:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to blog at least 3x's a week. But, believe it or not I have been too busy. I think some of the fog in my mind is lifting.
I have been job hunting, but no success. I will get a job someday.
I've started exercising again. Trying to eat healthier. It's a hard job losing wait.
I like to isolate, but I have been socializing more. Going to Day Treatment helps. We go out for coffee and shopping. We have group sessions. One of the workers there is teaching and helping me make a quilt. We are doing "Around the World" quilt. I've always wanted to make a quilt. And this lady knows a lot of shortcuts.
Other than that, I've been sewing and playing Zuma and Luxor.
Talk to you all, later.

Tagged by Dawn

2007-01-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

A- Available or single? Married
B- Best Friend? Bill and Faye
Favorite cake or pie? Carrot Cake or Banana Nut Cake
D- Drink of choice? Water,coke,and coffe
E- Essential item I use every day. Computer
F- Favorite color: Purple
G- Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms? Worms
H- Hometown? Home? Upstate NY, even through I live in eastern Montana
I- Indulgence: Ice cream
J- January or February? What is this supposed to mean? May
K- Kids and names: Dawn, Nathanal, Laura
L- Life is incomplete without? Jesus and then my husband Bill.
M- Marriage date: Which marriage? # 3,Bill-Febuary 11,1995
N- Number of siblings: Too many 2 full sisters, the rest 8 halfs
O- Oranges or apples? Strawberries
P- Phobias or fears?Being in a small dark confinement, where you can't see. I want to be creamated.
Q- Favorite quote?: Don't have one.
R- Reasons to smile: Bill
S- Season: I like spring and fall.
T- Tag 3 or 4 people. I don't have anyone to tag.
U- Unknown fact about me: I won't tell.
V- Vegetable you don’t like: I hate lima beans.
W- Worst habit: Getting obsessed with things like purses, shoes or clothes. I get hooked on a certain brand and one is not enough for me.
Y- Your favorite food? Italian food.
Z- Zodiac sign? Leo, of course.
Labels: memes

Christmas

2006-12-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. How was your Christmas. Considering how depressed I have been in the last couple of months, I had a great Christmas. I tryed to think more on Christmas. Like Jesus, the homeless, the less fortunate, our troops oversees,and the world full of people going through their own hurts and pains. It did make me fill better.
I meant some nice friends at day treatment at Mental Health. They struggle but we all help each other to get through it. Bill, me and my brother Dave went to the Catholic church w/friends from day treatment. Every year the Knights of Columbus puts on the dinner, I think that is who it is. You leave a donation. The food was good and we all had a good time. Bill's dad, who lives with us did not want to go. We brought him back 2 large takeout boxes, so he could have Christmas dinner.

This year has gone so fast. It gets that way every year. It must be I'm getting older. Maybe next year I will be employed or even living in another state.
I would like to get to know my grandchildren. My son Nathanial has 3 children. A boy,Jacob, then a set of twins, Elizabeth and Lucas.
They live in NY. My daugter Dawn lives in Texas,with her kids and hubby. Austin, Tessa, Bruce, and Brandy. So which state do I move to. I forgot to put this in I mind was moving more than my typing. Sorry Dawn I did not forget you.
Our family didn't do much with the presents this year since I'm not working.
A friend gave me a home crazy quilt and it fits my king size bed. I love it and it was my best Christmas present. It is so pretty.

I quit smoking, cold turkey, 2 days before Thanksgiving. I have been smoking 4 to 8 cigarettes a day for the last 2yrs. I had quit in 1980 to 2004. I could not believe I got hooked again. But now the cravings are gone. I did gain about 8lbs. so far. But I am back to exercising and the next step is to start eating healthy foods. I say healthy food because if you go on a diet, after you lose weight some people, like me, go back to eating the bad stuff. So I have to make this a life long commitment. Healthy, Healthy, Healthy. Ugh, until I get use to it. I am a carb junkie, but then most depressed people are.

Everyone have a Happy New Year!!

Gift

2006-12-14T19:18:00.000-07:00

Gift is a life from God. With this gift we chose our way in life. We have a free will and the choice to live for God or not.

Sometimes things in life screw up our gift and we get lost.
Then we have to find ourselves, sometimes over and over.

A gift is giving ourselves to others. Loving and accepting others for who they are.

If we have a gift-whether it be, the gift of helping, gift of sharing, gift of loving, or the gift of listening. This is a God given gift and we should share it.

God's gift to us was his Son, Jesus

A gift we could give ourselves is loving ourselves and forgiving ourselves.

At Day Treatment today we had to write something about the word gift. This is what I wrote. What does the word gift mean to you?

A New Job, Maybe

2006-12-06T14:52:00.000-07:00

As you know I' m not getting workman's compensation. I am filing for unemployment insurance and have to seek work at least once a week.
I put an application in at the hospital here for admitting clerk. I applied online and sent it in on Sunday. Well, yesterday, Tuesday, they called me and wanted to know if I would come in for an interview on Thursday at 10 am. I said yes. So wish me luck or pray if it is the job for me I will get hired.
I do like laying around doing nothing, but sometimes it gets boring. I do go to day treatment 2 times a week. Crochet and knit, play computer games. But I have not cleaned my house like I wanted to. Three months of being lazy. But I was so stressed I guess I needed it. I finally cleaned the mess off my night stand. When I say clean I mean clutter, not filth.
I called the executive director where I used to work. I wanted to know what kind of reference they were going to give me. Since I was terminated because they claim they could not accommodate my lifting restrictions. She said she would not say anything. I said isn't that the same as a bad reference. She said no. Yeah, Right I Said In My Mind. I said is there any chance down the road you might consider hiring me back. She said that is a possibility. Another yeah right.
Well I getting hungry, think I will go find something to eat. I sitting here listening to Enigma. I like Delirium better. I just ordered their new CD from Amazon, because you can't find that kind of music here in hicksville.
My son in NY told me that my granddaughter, Elizabeth had to go to the ER because she was chewing on a glass Christmas ornament. They found the glass pieces around her and don't know if she swallowed any. It must be ok. I asked Nate to call me back and let me know what's going on. But the bad boy didn't.

Just hanging around

2006-12-02T14:49:00.000-07:00

I have energy today. What a surprise. I should take advantage of while I can. I tried to take a nap but couldn't. So while Bill is sleeping I'm online and listening to music. I'm listening to a cd from the 60's Leonard Cohen. I thought if would keep Moses (the dove) quiet. But he keeps on cooing, kind of like the energizer bunny. I sprayed him about 5 times with water. He finally is quiet but who knows for how long.
I cleaned of my nightstand. What a mess. Now I have to tackle the rest of the bedroom.
There is a lot to do but I think I'll go play a game.

Just Saying Hi

2006-11-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know where the time went. Must be Thanksgiving and all taking up my time. We had a nice dinner. I hate the clean up.
Two days before Thanksgiving, Workman's Comp called to inform me that in 14 days I will no longer be getting benefits. I said "Thanks just before Christmas." She said at was at maximum recovery, but I still have the lifting restrictions. I told her in this town there was only one organization that was in my field of work. I also said that w/these restrictions I can't even work in a grocery store because I can't lift 5lbs with my left arm. They don't care. I said I was going to get a lawyer and they said go ahead. So now I have to fight for my rights.
I'm not going to get upset and am trying to trust in God and see what his will is.
I've been knitting some scarves. I have some beading to do, but just can't seem to get going.

spaghetti

2006-11-11T14:45:00.000-07:00

For you who know Dawn, she is not lying about spaghetti twice a week for all the years she lived with me and her stepfather. He was Italian and we had spaghetti Sunday and Wednesday. His family had it Sunday and Thursday. On Christmas we never had turkey. I was some kind of pasta with Italian chicken or steak braociole. I make s0paghetti now but it is more like once a month and I make it my way, not his mom's way.

Monday Memories

2006-11-06T15:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to think back when my husband, Bill, and I fell in love. I have been married twice before Bill. I first met him when I was taking care of his mother, Eva, through home health. When I first met him I was a little leary of him, because the agency told me to leave my purse in the car and talk to them as little as possible. So I just went in and took care of Eve and when he asked if I wanted any coffee, I said no, I have other clients to take care of. This is a small town that I live in. So people gossip and make up things, and that is what they did in Bill's case. I'm not used to or like gossip and being from NY, you didn't get in your neighbor's business.
The next day the agency called me and wanted to know what I did at the Long's, because Bill had asked if I could come back and be his mother's aide. I said I don't know what I did and that I would go back.

The next time I went there I stayed and had coffee w/Bill, his dad, and mom. Bill told me he knew right away from the way I dressed and the way I talked that I was from NY.
Well, he would come to my house and fix things like electronics. We started going to garage sales together. He told me one time that all the nice girls were taken and he noticed my wedding band on my finger right away. But he never made any improper moves on me.

To make a long story short I fell in love w/him. I would talk on the phone to him every night and it felt like he was my husband, without the imitate stuff and that husband at the time just cared about that stuff instead of me. Bill and I went to a flea market in Minot, ND. That night I told him of my feelings. And he said we felt the same way but I was married.
Well, nothing sexual happened that weekend w/us. We went on just feeling in love w/each other. Then we went to another flea market and got imitate. When we got home I moved out and got a divorce and Bill and I got married.

Being a Christian, it was really hard for me emotionally. There was a lot of fear and things about hell. If I never of met Bill, I know in my heart someday when the kids were older I would leave my husband. I never intended to leave him because of another man.

I am in contact w/my ex-husband. We were both deceived by Satan thinking that the other did not love each other.. But that is in the past. He is remarried now.
I will never regret marring Bill and I still love him w/all my heart
Some may judge me, but you never know what will happen in your life.

Our Clouded Views-By Bill Long

2006-11-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

The dust has not settled, it's not clear.
The sadness, the anger, the fear.
All of this sorrow remains in our hearts forevermore.
How long, how long, how long has this been going on.
Won't the clouds disappear and let the light shine through.
'Cause we dreamed a lot and we schemed a lot and look at all the pain we got.
Let the clouds disappear and let God's light shine through.

It's Friday

2006-11-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone. I haven't been on the computer for awhile. Wednesday I went to Williston, ND, 45 miles just to go to SuperWalmart. Spent quite a bit of $ there for groceries. But it's cheaper there than here.
I've been a little tired and down lately. I'm just coming out of it.
I've got so much stuff to do and no motivation.
I had a migraine this week and the doc wouldn't give me my Demeral shot. He said it masks the pain and doesn't take the headache away. To go lay down and sleep. Like you can sleep w/migraine. The imitrex didn't work. I wrote and hand delivered a letter to him. I said what is the difference if the shot mask the pain or I lay here for 3 days w/the pain. I told him he took a oath to help people, people who are in pain. I just left the note there - don't know if he read it yet.
If the doctors are in pain, I'm sure they can get something for pain.
Well, talk to everyone later.

The Warrior's Prayer-A Good Prayer To Start Your Day

2006-10-24T16:01:00.000-06:00

Heavenly Father your warrior prepares for battle
Today I claim Victory over Satan by putting on the whole Armor of God!
I put on the Girdle of Truth!
May I stand firm in the truth of your Word so I will not be a victim of Satan' lies,
I put on the Breastplate of Righteousness!
May it guard my heart from evil so I will remain pure and holy
protected under the blood of Jesus Christ.
I put on the Shoes of Peace!
May I stand firm in the Good News of the Gospel so your peace will shine through me
And be a light to all I encounter.
I take the Shield of Faith!
May I be ready for Satan's fiery darts of doubt, denial and deceit so I will not be vulnerable to spiritual defeat.
I put on the Helmet of Salvation.
May I keep my mind focused on you so Satan will not have a stronghold on my
thoughts.
I take the Sword of the Spirit.
May the two edged sword of your Word be ready in my hands so I can expose the tempting words of Satan.
By faith your warrior has put on the whole Armor of God!
I am prepared to live this day in spiritual Victory.
A-men

Life Lessons

2006-10-24T15:58:00.000-06:00

1.Do not accept other people's negativity.
2. Face life one day at a time.
3. Turn your problems into lessons, and your lessons into wisdom.
4. You can treat life as a dance rather than a wrestling match.
5. Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
6. Joy comes to those who do not fear solitude. Life comes to those not
afraid to die.
7. We have only this moment!
8. Sometimes we turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only to
find it is God who is shaking them.
9. I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

Tagged by Dawn Marie my brat child

2006-10-15T14:03:00.000-06:00

5 Ramdom things about me.

1. I love to read. So Dawn must of got that love from me. I would read in my room when I was young. Mostly to get away from my mom and everyone else. When I was in third grade I read all the Pippi Longstocking and a series of stories about a little girl who was a witch. Now I like mystery mixed with suspense. I used to read a lot of gothic books. Lately I been reading my bible, now that is different completely than what I normally read.

2. I'm a loner. I don't like to be around a lot of people. I get nervous and sometimes get panic attacks. I sometimes make people not like me. Ah, I must be afraid of rejection.

3. I wish I could of spent more time w/my mom. She died 2002. She could get me so angry. I wish I could of let my hurts go along time of go. I think she was depressed alot. I wish I of noticed it sooner. But I forgave her of many things and I know she is happy now with Jesus.
I used to blame her for everything and my Dad who left when I was 1 yr old left us, I thought he was the greatest. I had him on a pedistal for years. He still is alive, but he is not on that pedistal any longer. I love him, but I grew up and faced reality. They both had faults.

4. I like to watch soaps. I been doing it for years. When I was working I would tape them and watch them at the end of the week. There are so many commericals and fill-in on the soaps that I do a lot of fast forwarding. I still tape them so I can fast forward the junk.

5. I love Jesus. I'm a born-gain christian. I may not live like it at times. But Jesus is in my heart.
I am glad that he is a loving God and forgiving God. I pray that I will be more like him every day. I am a forgiving person. I always was, even before I became a Christian. I love my husband Bill, who I fill God sent him to me.

I Can Only Imagine

2006-10-08T16:38:00.000-06:00

"I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side...I can only imagine, what my eyes will see, when Your Face is before me!I can only imagine. I can only imagine.
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?I can only imagine! I can only imagine!
I can only imagine, when that day comes, when I find myself standing in the Son!I can only imagine, when all I will do, is forever, forever worship You!I can only imagine! I can only imagine!
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!
I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!! Only imagine!!!I can only imagine.
I can only imagine, when all I do is forever, forever worship You!I can only imagine."

Copyright: ©1999 MercyMe

I really love this song and thought I would share their lyrics

Monday Memories

2006-10-02T13:35:00.000-06:00

I was remembering when Bill and I first got married, almost 12 yrs ago, we bought a nice house. Bill built a deck for us. We would sit out on it in the early mornings and drink coffee. It seems like there was less pressures then. We would sit there with are coffee and just talk.
That was when my daughter Dawn was pregnant w/my first grandchild, Austin. She would come and spend some nights with us. He was a beautiful baby, but boy he liked to cry. I was getting to know him pretty good, then we moved back to Ny. We moved back 2 yrs later. Dawn was living in ND then and by then she had another child, Tessa. I would go to to visit them once in a while. It was nice. I don't see them often enough. So we really don't know each other good.
But I still remember Austin being born and it is a nice memory. Dawn has two more children now. My son Nate has 3. Which includes a set of twins. I've been to NY to visit them. I have my memories of my grandchildren even through I don't get to see them often.

Just being lazy

2006-09-30T17:56:00.000-06:00

I've been lazy the past week. I got the monthly curse. I guess it makes me tired. So I've been sleeping a lot. I have so much stuff to do around the house. I wish I had the kind of energy that Fruitful Spirit has. She has been organizing around her house. I have so much junk, between me and Bill, especially Bill to organize. Everyday I say I am going to do it, but I'm so tired all the time I don't do it. Bill has been trying to put the new furnace in for the last two weeks. Then he gets tired and stops. I want to tackle the mess beside my bed. A lot of it is books. He has the book shelf moved so he can get the furnace in. So my excuse is I can't clean this spot until you get the furnace in and put the bookshelf back. He says there is other things you can clean. He knows I'm making excuses 'cause I'm lazy. Well, maybe one of these days.
I have so many books I have to read. I don't even feel like doing that and I love to read.
I lay in bed watching soaps. Hey, I don't have any bom boms. I rented that new movie "The Lake House." It was pretty good, but I thought it would be better. It still is a good movie if anybody wants to watch it.
Next week I have to get my nails done, go see the shrink in Williston. I'm taking my brother Dave with, so we can get him a b-day dinner at Applebees. His b-day was September 28. He is 43 now. Plus I have to go to day treatment Mon and Tues so I don't know if I will get any cleaning done.
Well, everyone have a nice weekend.

Day treatment

2006-09-26T11:52:00.000-06:00

I'm at mental health right now. Day treatment. Figure it might help my brain and if I need to go on disablity. Dawn, I will tell you more about my trip later. It's almost lunchtime. We get free lunch here. You sit around and talk about your problems, then you get to eat. I probably go home after lunch. I was going to take a knitting class for the purse I want to make, but it is at night and I don't want to go. So Rachel, here at mental health is going to have a lady come in and teach us, plus it's free.
Talk to ya all later.

I'm back

2006-09-24T17:47:00.000-06:00

I had a nice time in Billings, except for the doctor's appointment. He wouldn't let my husband, Bill go in w/me. He was very rude. I told him"Don't start with me!" He went and got one of his nurses to sit there and write everything he said. I told him he violated my rights, because my lawyer said Bill could go in there with me. I went out of his exam room and yelled to Bill to call my lawyer.
I had to tell the nurse to go get one of my Lorzapam's for me from my husband because I was having a panic attack. After the exam he said there wasn't any thing wrong w/my back. I said "My MRI shows a bulged disc." He said it shows nothing, it's a little bulge. I was out of shape and if I didn't watch it I'd have a back of an 85 yr. old woman. He said he was telling workman's comp that I was at maxium recovery. The only reason I wasn't yet released to work is because of my frozen shoulder which was also hurt w/my back.
After the exam, I went and got Bill and told him he said there wasn't anything wrong w/my back. Bill said when he talked to the lawyer that the doc was an ass___. And that he would tell me there wasn't anything wrong w/my back. Which is exactly what happend.
So now it looks like I will have to sue Workman's comp.
There is something wrong w/my back and they just don't want to pay. So don't trust workman's comp or other insurances.

Away

2006-09-20T15:09:00.000-06:00

I haven't been on my computer for awhile. Been going through this depression crap again. I cut out one of my meds. that was making me sick. It was giving me migraines and making me more depressed. I started it Aug 10 and quit it Sept. 17. Since it is an anti-seizure med, it said not to stop cold turkey,because even if you never had a seizure you could have one. I stopped and so far no seizure. My doc gave it to me for mood disorder, he thinks I'm bi-polar, but I not according to my mental health assessments. I've been in bed all week, like detoxing off this med and reallllly depressed. I also decided to quit smoking Sunday, so I've been something else. I quit smoking for 20 yrs and started again 3 yrs ago. One cigarette, who woulda thunk.
I'm going to Billings tomorrow to see the workmen's comp doctor. I don't want to go, because I hate traveling by car long distances. I think it's about 350 miles. But workmen's comp said if you don't go, you don't get your benefits. What is the difference? I know they are sending me to their witch doctor, so they can try and get me off workmen's comp. Because that is how they operate.
But, I will have to trust in God. He knows all and my needs. Sometimes it's just a little hard to have faith.
In a positive note, I should make this like a mini-vacation. Shop, use the hot tub in our room and eat at Red Lobster and Olive Garden.
Talk to you all when I get back.

The Pride In Failure

2006-09-13T12:31:00.000-06:00

When you take action to make your life and yourself better, you opt to take a risk, make a change or try something new doesn't always mean it will feel great or work out just the way you want it to. That's why it's important to become comfortable with mistakes, errrors, and all forms of failure that may occur in your process of healing and recovery.
Consider the following positive statements about failure. remind yourself of them whenever you become disenchanted or depressed because a desired outcome hasn't happened, you fall short of a goal, or a change isn't right for you:

Failure tells you what doesn't work and when to change direction.
Failure leads to new ideas.
Failure provides you with an opportunity to try something new.

Without the existence of mistakes, failure, or error, there's no risk-taking and no opportunity for growth. As Kathryn D. Cramer,Ph.D., wrote in her boook Staying on Top When Your World Turns Upside Down, " I am sure you remember the old adage: 'To Err is Human/To Forgive is Devine" as your first reaction whenever you discover that one of your success strategies has failed. Saying this phrase to yourself can make you proud that you have tried to restore your vitality.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY FAILURES.

This is a passage taken from a Daily Meditation book for overcoming depreission, grief, and the "the blues"
Facing Lifes's Challenges by Amy E. Dean

One Night With The King

2006-09-13T12:22:00.000-06:00

I was watching TBN this morning and they were showing previews for "One Night With The King". It is about Ester from the Bible. Even through TBN produced it there are some well know actors in it. Even one guy from Lord of the Rings is in the movie. Everyone that has seen a sneak preview or whatever you call it says that it is put together good. That it has an impact on their life. An God can use anybody from any situation in their life an use them. It is going to be in theaters in October. I will probably wait for it to come out on home video before I see it because I don't like going to theaters.

Monday Memories

2006-09-11T13:19:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I went to church for the first time in about 8 months. It was a stuggle, hit with a migraine and my husband didn't want to go. My car wouldn't start and had to take my husband's. The service was beautiful and we had communion. After communion The Lord really touched my heart.
It bought me back to when I first became a born-again christian in1979. When every thing was crisp and new to me. When you first are on fire for the Lord and he his your first love. When you can't wait to tell people about Jesus and what he has done for you. About the little mircles in your life. How much you have changed in your heart. You stop hating, swearing and smoking. You have a new zest for life.
When you see an old friend you haven't seen for a long time and you say you're sorry for something and they say "Boy, is this Gail I'm talking to. The girl who never says shes sorry."
That girl is a christian now. She is an old hippie drug buddy of mine who now serves The Lord.
Somewhere I lost my first love and yesterday I feel that I am starting to get it back. I know it is going to be a stuggle, but I can do all things in Christ who strenghens me.

Words Are a Creative Force-By Dr. Creflo A. Dollar

2006-09-08T14:58:00.000-06:00

Words Are a Creative Force - Do you get frustrated because of your circumstances? As Believers, good things do not happen because we deserve them, but because of the words we speak and the laws God has placed in motion. In this single message, Dr. Dollar reveals how the enemy has used false humility and negative words to cause people to forfeit the things God has for them. Don't allow God's goodness to pass you by. Speak it into existence

September 8 "And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever" (Isaiah 32:17).The righteousness of God in your heart will produce peace in your life. When you are in right-standing with the Father, you will be confident that all is well. By Dr. Creflo A. Dollar.

I didn't post yesterday because I had a migraine. The doc wouldn't give me demerol, but gave me tolerdol, it's non-narcardic. Anyways I slept til 3pm until I got the shot and went to bed at 9pm.

When I woke up it was 6am. I couldn't sleep and of course the negative was right there in my thoughts. I called the voice mail of my excutive dir., that terminated me because of my back problems and left a message. Not a nasty message, just that I thought that there was more to my firing than my back. That she did it over the phone, didn't do it to my face and no exit interview. That there wasn't any closure. That when you turn in your resignation after 13 yrs of service you get to say good bye to everyone, have a going away party and no hard feelings. And that she is working with workmen's comp and the workmen's comp doctor so they can say there's nothing wrong with me so they don't have to pay me. I said, then are you going to hire me back when they lie about my back. Because if they say there isn't any back problem then there isn't any restrictions. And I hung up.

The doctor that workmen's comp is sending me to, work's for them, he his going to try and say there is nothing wrong with me. The lawyer said he is going to try and do that. How can they do that when I have bulge disk and are on lifting restrictions is what I am wondering.

So anyways, I turn on the TV to TBN and Creflo Dollar is on and he is talking about our words being a strong force. And I start thinking. God, did I just screw up my own case. Please turn this around if I did. Help me to forgive Cindy, the director for firing me.

Then I started to feel convicted. I went to the phone and left a message on her voice mail. I told her that I was sorry and still had bitterness in my heart and to should not of left the message and would she forgive me .

After my spirit felt good but my flesh was like you jerk-you always let everyone walk all over you.

But if God is for me, who can be against me? Right?

So I pray that I can turn my negative words into positive words. Because every word we say can can not be taken back is out there in infininti forever.

I'm going to order: Words are a Creative Force. By Dr. Creflo A. Dollar , and see if I can apply it to my life.

Beautiful makeover

2006-09-06T10:08:00.000-06:00

Didn't my daughter Dawn do a beautiful make over. See credits: Dreamscrape. She really is talented. I wish I had half her talent. I don't know where she finds the time with 4 children and that big house to keep up. Thanks Dawn. It's beautiful. I love you. Mom

In the Wilderness

2006-09-05T23:31:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I feel like an Israelite wandering in wilderness. I go in circles and never get any where spiritually or emotionally. Sometimes I feel dead inside. I use to really have a zest for life and be on fire for the lord. When something bad happens in my life I turn to God instantly for help. Well, sometimes. Sometimes I blame God for everything that is wrong in my life. It is wonder sometimes that he hasn't stuck me dead with things I've said. But I know he his a loving God and a forgiving God. I just wish I had the first love like when I first got saved. I'm a lazy Christian, I can't stay committed to it. But then again, it is hard to me to stay committed to anything. Maybe a lot of it has to do with my depression or maybe it is Satan. Who knows. I don't want to give Satan that much glory.

Stay committed, I've been married three times. The first one I married for the wrong reason, he his my daughter, Dawn's father. He has passed on. The second was, I don't even want to talk about. The third, I would say his my soul mate. We get on good, even through we can sure get on each other nerves sometimes. But he understands me. I'm not an easy person to get along with. I have mood swings. But, Bill loves me and accepts me for who I am. Maybe that is why I like working with people with developmental disabilities, because they accept people for who they are. They don't sit there in judgment. They love you for you. I guess I'm just rambling tonight.

Well, enough said. I'm typing on my laptop. I don't like the keyboard because my desktop has a split keyboard. I'm so used to that, that this is hard to type on. Plus, I'm downstairs using a dumb modem the internet cable is upstairs.

Getting to know blogging

2006-09-05T14:57:00.000-06:00

I've been screwing everything up. Dawn has to help me all the time with my blogging. I have been posting from even signing in the the wrong way. Oh well.
Then I called my lawyer today and they said that the Dr. that workman's comp is sending me to is a jerk and very derogertory toward the patient. Boy, am I going to need help from above. He's probably going to say there's nothing wrong w/my back. Even through my MRI shows a bulged disked in the L4-L5 area. The back doesn't hurt 24/7. You know they have you touch your toes, walk a straight line tippy toe. What does that prove. They are not there in the middle of the night when my husband has to help me out of bed. Or when there isn't any position I can sleep w/out pain. Or sometimes just bending down trying to put on my jeans.
Oh, well enough or that. I hope I finally can get the hang of this blogger stuff.
My birds are driving me crazy I better put Sirrus radio on for them before I strangle them.
Have a nice day.

Finally coming out of the small hole in the back of my mind

2006-08-31T18:43:00.000-06:00

It's been 3 long hellish weeks since I've been fired. I have crawled into my head. Way back to my safety zone where nobody can reach me. Oh, I'm here, go through the motions, talk and eat. But I'm so zoned out. I get these little mental meltdowns from time to time. It is the only way I can deal with life. I stay in bed for days and days. Slowly I come out of it. Go out for a walk one day. Couple of days later go out to eat. Then bam! Back to darkness. But I'm slowly coming out. I'm a little tired today. I went to the therapist today. She said when I think a negative thought- say to my self "Is that true? If it is not true then to replace it. Did you ever notice that therapist also can be said "The Rapist" Sometimes I think they try to rape our minds.

Luxor

2006-08-28T11:02:00.000-06:00

That dumb game Luxor. Dawn got through 8-4 while talking to me on the phone. The brat. Bill and I have been tring for over a month and couldn't do it. So after the phone call I got to 8-4 and said Bill try and he died. Then he got though and the I died in 8-6. Got do it all over.

The Bridge

2006-08-18T14:01:00.000-06:00

In my profile where it says radio wire is used for the the birds and I have Sirrus Radio The Bridge. That is because my birds are spoiled if they are left alone and listen to it all day. If we are in the room the cocketiels aren't to bad but the Dove is a brat. He coos and coos LOUD. And laughs like horse. If we are trying to watch Tv or be on the computer he drives us nuts, but when I'm in the room I like listening to I like listening to Classic Vinyl or Chill and they just have to deal with it. After all they don't pay the rent.

Cloud 9

2006-08-13T15:59:00.000-06:00

Well, my b-day was August 9. And what a present a got!! I got a back injury at work 2004. This was the first week I missed work because of it. I called work said I'd be there after my MRI on August 10 and they called me back and said don't bother we can't accommodate your restrictions anymore your terminated. Over the phone. No brass to say to my face. Injured on the job. Gave them 13 years of my life. I will miss the clients that's for sure, but no one else. I guess one door closes another one will open.

Cloud 9

I'm back.

Bus

Day of Transition

It's Freezing

Politics

Another day

Happy New Year

Who am I

I'm Back

The Dove Is Gone

AstroSlam

Another day

AstroSlam

Everythings ok

Times of Refreshing

A Mad House in Texas

Our Thinking vs. God's Promise

Color Psychology

Color Psychology

Do different colors affect your mood?

by David Johnson

Related Links

Black

White

Red

Blue

Green

Yellow

Purple

Brown

Colors of the Flag

Food for Thought

I thought this reading test was cute.

How to Detect Lies

How to Detect Lies

Become a Lie Detector --------------------------------

Introduction to Detecting Lies:

Signs of Deception:

Body Language of Lies:

Emotional Gestures & Contradiction

Interactions and Reactions

Verbal Context and Content

Other signs of a lie:

Final Notes:

I've been busy or something

The 'L I T T L E' things.

"A Trip Around The World"

Today, another day

A letter I wrote to a friend, thought I share it.

I'm still here

Tagged by Dawn

Christmas

Gift

A New Job, Maybe

Just hanging around

Just Saying Hi

spaghetti

Monday Memories

Our Clouded Views-By Bill Long

It's Friday

The Warrior's Prayer-A Good Prayer To Start Your Day

Life Lessons

Tagged by Dawn Marie my brat child

I Can Only Imagine

Monday Memories

Just being lazy

Day treatment

I'm back

Away

The Pride In Failure

One Night With The King

Monday Memories

Words Are a Creative Force-By Dr. Creflo A. Dollar

Beautiful makeover

In the Wilderness

Getting to know blogging

Finally coming out of the small hole in the back of my mind

Luxor

The Bridge

Become a Lie Detector
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